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0:00:00 - Betsy Jordyn
So are you a consultant or coach and your potential is being held back because you can't find your voice? That is exactly what we're going to be talking about on this episode of the Enough Already podcast, and welcome to the Enough Already podcast. This is the show for consultants and coaches who want to forge their own paths of success in their careers and their lives. I'm your host, betsy Jordan, and I'm a business mentor. I'm a brand messaging strategist and I help build consulting and coaching businesses from the ground up by helping my clients find the compelling words to get their clients excited to work with them, either on their website and their marketing and their sales. And so I know firsthand how important it is to find the voice. I know it from my client standpoint, but I also know it for myself. You know, I know when I first was starting my business, it was really hard to figure out. You know what am I all about and what is it that I want to convey and how do I want to convey it. And I know at every step, as I started creating content and now, as I want to step into just a broader thought, leadership, presence and perspective and brand, it's even harder, and that is why I brought on to the show Sarah.
So Sarah is a oh, sarah Geeta Flores I should do her full name. She is an amazing speaking coach. She's a piano teacher and she is the author of a book that she just released, which is all about helping people activate their voice and share their message with the world. So tune in for some powerful insights from Sarah, and welcome to the show. I am so excited to have you here. You and I have been talking about having you on the show for I don't know how many months, but we wanted to make sure that your book was ready to go. But before we get into your powerful book, I'd love for you to back up for a bit and just talk a little bit about your journey that led you to have the business that you have, and then I'd love to hear a little bit more about what motivated you to write your first book and what your book's all about.
0:02:00 - Sarah Flores
Yes, so my business journey has been all about the voice in many expressions and I feel the reason I've been drawn to this is because my authentic voice was shut down at such a young age. I experienced sexual trauma as a child and I expressed myself plenty. I talked with everyone, but it felt profoundly unsafe to show my true self. So my whole worldview was focused on people pleasing in order to stay safe. So everything that I said came through a filter of what do I think this person wants to hear, and that's a really exhausting way to live. Most people who I meet maybe didn't have such an extreme experience. Some do. All range of experiences are valid, but so many of us relate to this like filtering our message, hoping that it's received well by others, like kind of really micromanaging how our voice will be received, how our message will be received. So, as I said, it's exhausting. It led me to burnout and I realized that I needed to start healing. I needed to start looking within and healing, and that's when I began therapy to heal my childhood trauma. And from the therapy it's just been so much more personal growth, exploration, meditation, yoga and empowering practices with the voice, and so all of this personal journey was happening for me alongside my work as a vocal coach.
So right out of college I started my my business as a vocal coach and for the first 10 years of my career I was very focused on just helping singers and it was a very traditional way. I very much felt like I needed to hide my kind of more woo woo self and the parts of me that are more interested in personal development. And then I had a student I call her Josephine and she came in one day and she was like I haven't practiced, I feel so bad. And she was in a dark place and it was realizing what a disservice it was that I was not bringing my full self to help her, that I could actually weave in all these elements of personal empowerment to help her feel like she could show up and actually feel worthy to enjoy something good and in her life, like self expression and creativity and play.
And that day, when she was in a dark place, we opened up the lid on my piano and we started toning, we started doing vocal exercises just free, and she felt so much better after that and for me that was a really important moment of realizing we needed to find how I could feel safe enough to bring my full self to the table to help people, because not only is it really uncomfortable to be like I lead a double life and I can't really share all these things about myself, I realized also that it I can serve more when I'm able to bring my authentic voice into the light, and because that is easier said than done, I've developed a lot of practices and tools to help myself do that. That I've also shared with my clients, and about six years ago I also began not just doing coaching singers but helping empathic entrepreneurs, including coaches and consultants, to find their voice and to become speakers and to spread their message in a more impactful, bigger way.
0:05:56 - Betsy Jordyn
So I want to go into a little bit more of what you said, because I think this is fascinating is that there's a difference between having a voice and having an authentic voice, and I can relate to my experience, because a lot of people look at it's like, oh, you can stand up in front of a group of executives and you can corral them and you have no problem doing that.
I'm like, yeah, but I'm not really sharing my authentic voice. I'm sort of hiding behind my professional persona, and I think what's interesting is like I think you also have a performing arts background, you know, which is interesting as you could put on a character, you know when you're on stage and still really be hiding. It's like hiding in plain sight because you know the word persona actually means mask. So what I'd love to do is just like let's describe what is the difference between what does it mean to find your voice? And what's the difference between having a voice in general that just could be powerful whether you know you're just, you know using your expertise and you are helping other people are speaking about your expertise versus having an authentic voice. Does that question?
0:06:54 - Sarah Flores
make sense Absolutely. So I see this as a spectrum, and it's never one or the other, because you can't help but have a little bit of your authentic self show up, even if you're just trying to be. I am pure business and I am only speaking about X, y and C. So it's a spectrum.
If you think, kind of like color gradations or something like having a voice is feeling empowered to speak up, to spread a message and an authentic voice.
To me this comes from feeling more whole inside.
So when you find your voice, really what you're finding is the ability to express yourself without an overwhelming fear of what people will think.
So I say without an overwhelming because we're human and you know thoughts and fears pop up sometimes.
But if it's like you know how to take care of it, like, oh, a part of me is a little worried about speaking my truth here, that's okay, I got you, I can take care of you, and the overwhelming impulse is yes, it's safe enough to speak my truth and I can handle what people's reactions to it may be, because people are going to have reactions based on their unhealed stuff.
You know they're going to project things. You show up and say you know, whatever your message may be, whether it's you can live free from limiting beliefs or if your message is that you can be a better leader, no matter what, really the authenticity comes from the feeling of wholeness inside, the feeling that you don't have to push away or hide parts of yourself into the shadow that are too shameful and you're just so afraid that people will find out. And when you find your voice, it's like you find the courage and have enough inner safety going on that you can let whatever wants to be expressed come through without filters and without worrying about what everybody is going to think.
0:09:17 - Betsy Jordyn
So it seems like what the difference would be is a little bit of finding your authentic voice so you can still have a voice in there, might have sprinkles, I would have to say. As a consultant, sometimes I went in my old life when I would talk to executives and they would use all the buzzwords you know like. Well, you know we need to synergize our efforts in order to optimize our processes. You know, and all that kind of like. You know, lingo. At one point I wanted to create a bingo game called lingo and we could all play while we're in meetings with all the stupid corporate phrases you know that people use.
You know, like that seems to me like an inauthentic all the way around. But then it's like if you're standing up and you're sort of like speaking up about you know, whatever it might be, it's like I might have a voice in a meeting where I might say even an unpopular opinion, like, oh, maybe we should go in this direction. You know you could still be bold and still have sprinkles of yourself but still be hiding a little bit behind your expertise. But then there's over here. It sounds like there's a connection between finding your voice, finding your truth and finding your true self, you know and speaking your truth. It seems like it's a little bit more of like I'm going to bring my whole self to. This is, yes, I, this is my opinion and this is why it matters. And then maybe even more of like and from my personal experience, you know from you know from a way, even more vulnerable state that might be a little bit more, where you're bringing more of your own voice in. Am I hearing that right or am I completely off?
0:10:41 - Sarah Flores
Yeah, I love that distinction and, to be clear, I I get what you're saying about the jargon and all of the words. It doesn't necessarily mean that that's inauthentic and it doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be vulnerable to be authentic. To me it's more about, like, is there some kind of conscious or unconscious desire to please, desire to fit in all of these natural human things, and is that desire so strong that it's really limiting what you have to say? So I created a framework that I go through in the book for four modes of self expression and the first two are repressed.
So there's repressed silence and that is staying small or quiet due to fear or unconsciousness. So this is kind of what we think about when we think not having a voice right, that somebody, just you know, and I don't want to diminish people's hearing. So some people really do live in unsafe conditions where it would be unsafe for them to speak up right, and for other people it's a mix. Maybe there are a few situations in life where it would be unsafe, but for the most part it just feels unsafe in our body, actually be threatened if we speak up. So that's repressed silence. It's like the throat chakra closes down. You can't get it out, it just is not safe enough.
0:12:16 - Betsy Jordyn
It's like, when you have like gum in your mouth and you can't get the gum. Yes, that experience.
0:12:21 - Sarah Flores
Yes, or the lump in the throat, the gum in the mouth, that just feeling like you're shut down. But there's also another mode that I identify, which is repressed self expression. So repressed self expression is limiting what you say or how you say it, due to fear or unconsciousness.
0:12:40 - Betsy Jordyn
So it looks like again what?
0:12:42 - Sarah Flores
yep? So there was repressed silence, and now we're talking about repressed self expression.
0:12:47 - Betsy Jordyn
Okay, repressed silence, repressed self expression expression.
0:12:50 - Sarah Flores
Yeah, so the repressed self expression is that you alter what you say. So it's, this is the realm of people pleasing, worrying about what people will think. It can also be reactive self expression, like if your default is I'm going to get angry at everything right away. You're not really having empowered choice about how you speak up because you're just going into this automatic reaction. So repressed self expression, I think, is often overlooked, because sometimes from the outside we're like she's speaking up, she has a voice and really what determines it is how it feels inside. If it feels kind of icky, if it feels kind of like it's just this vomit coming out but you can't help yourself, that may be repressed self expression and there's no shame here. We've all been here, we've all had it.
I have moments come up sometimes I say, oh, I think I was doing a little bit of people placing there. It's all a journey, but there are two other modes that we can get to that we can achieve. So there's empowered silence. So empowered silence is when you're you stay quiet or small out of empowered choice. So just because you can speak at every moment doesn't mean it's for your best interest, or everyone's best interest, for you to speak up in every moment and empower silence can also mean you know you take time to be in silence. Maybe that looks like meditation or a little time on a walk or something that fills you up. So we have empowered silence and we also have empowered self expression. So to me, an empowered self expression I should define is speaking up and playing big out of empowered choice. For me, when you're finding your voice, you're really leaning into this capacity to choose when to speak up and to choose what to say, without worrying too much about what other people are going to think.
0:15:01 - Betsy Jordyn
So it sounds like that there's a. It's not that we don't know what we want to say is the problem with our expression is sometimes as it runs it through these filters. So we might choose to either repress and repress ourselves and stay silent, or choose to limit ourselves in some way. And it seems like from an empowered standpoint. Is I really own what I have to say? I'm not worrying about anything else and I'm just making a conscious choice to either speak up or don't speak up. But I'm not like questioning myself. It seems like there's a in the repression. There's a like a rigor moral that we might. That's what I'm hearing. When you were describing it is oh, I have something to say, but then I go through a rigor moral on my own head where I discount what I have to say. So it's not that we don't, it's not that we don't have a voice, it's just that we don't know how to use our voice because we talk ourselves out of our voice. Does that I?
0:15:53 - Sarah Flores
is it my hearing this right, or I love how you put that yes, I love that. And very often it's unconscious and I think that often we're not at all aware that we're talking ourselves out of it in some way. So sometimes it's more of a body response. It's more of a like body kind of shutting down that lump in the throat that like just something does not feel safe or okay to speak up, and that is, you know, kind of the seat of the unconscious. So sometimes it is conscious, but most often it's something that happens really quickly without our conscious awareness.
0:16:33 - Betsy Jordyn
So I'd love for you to speak to, kind of like I could be on the hot seat. I'll be your guinea pig here. You know like how you would apply, because I find it interesting, as in my content creation journey. So I'm a prolific content creator, but anybody's been on my website you'll see like I have a ton of content podcasts, blogs and all of that and the reason why I got to that point is when I first started, when I first started my content creation, I was on, you know, I had to think about like well, how's this going to look like? How's this going to look like I don't have a filter? Because I don't have a filter. You know, this is a two, professional enough. What have I got? You know, I always have typos, you know, and I would go is go through that and I'm writing. You know, for the most part, except for now.
I'm trying to step into a new phase when it comes to being more of a speaker and a thought leader and I'm writing my first book. Now I feel like I'm back at the beginning, you know, because it feels like I'm bringing more of my original ideas. You know, before it's like oh, here's your five steps to consulting or coaching business launch. You know it's stuff like that and you know I'm talking about like the like you were talking about earlier. It's like bringing more of like my spiritual psychology perspective, my love for archetypes. Like I'm writing a book on the mid career entrepreneur and I'm comparing it to the heroes journey, which I'm like. Well, people are like I don't think it's silly, you know so. Then it's like now it takes me 1000 years to write a single chapter where, if it was a podcast on, you know five ways to write copy that gets clients excited to work with you. I could do that my sleep. So what's going on? What's going on, and that's that standpoint.
0:18:07 - Sarah Flores
I'm not impressed or not impressed.
I first of all with the model of repressed self-expression and empowered self-expression. I find it helpful to delineate them because sometimes we can recognize oh, I was in repressed self-expression, but I don't intend them to be like you're an either. Or because in different moments we show up differently. Right, and as you said, that channel is open If you're going to write a blog post or do a podcast episode. You have really honed your ability to get that message across to the people who need to hear it. So then, when it comes to showing up on a bigger level, first of all, this is so normal.
We all go through this and when, through my process of writing, unleash your Goddess Voice, I have had to live every single piece of advice, every practice, every self-doubt that I address in the book. I've had to live it and say yes, really, it's getting more solid inside, it's getting more embodied and lived. So there was one piece in what you said that really, I think, gave us a hint, and it was that people will think I'm silly. So this speaks to a core visibility wound. So there are several core visibility wounds and everybody experiences them at some point I'm pretty sure everybody I've worked with and encountered anyway. So those are fear of being ignored, fear of being criticized, fear of being judged, and I know there's enough.
0:20:01 - Betsy Jordyn
I mean, those are enough. It was like oh like yeah, I got some visibility wounds Nobody look at me. Yeah, there's another one, it'll come to me.
0:20:13 - Sarah Flores
But let me just say that the fear of being judged, such as being judged as silly, again totally normal, right, given the culture that we live in. We live in judgmental culture, ok. So it makes sense that we're going to have these things come up. And the way that you heal the fear of being judged is to slow down and take some time to get to know the parts of yourself that you judge. Yeah, we all have them. We all judge ourselves in some ways and when you can let those parts speak and be heard, and just almost always the part of you that judges.
So, for example, if I have a part of me that's like Sarah, you cannot share that particular story of healing because it is just way too out there, right? So I share a story in the book of an energetic healing that I experienced on my own. And if I listen to that judgment voice and I ask it some questions, the voice says well, I just don't want you to be rejected, and that's the other fear. Fear of rejection, that's the other visibility. Ok, so it might say to me I just don't want you to be hurt. We got to recap these four.
0:21:36 - Betsy Jordyn
So there's the and then I want to finish the rest of the fear of being ignored.
0:21:42 - Sarah Flores
The fear of being criticized, the fear of being judged and the fear of being rejected.
0:21:47 - Betsy Jordyn
Got it OK. So for the first one, the fear of being judged is that you engage that part that might be a judgmental even side of yourself, that you're judging yourself, and then kind of like compassionally, listen in. It's like, oh well, it's because I'm afraid you're going to be rejected. So it's kind of like being a nice protector is not trying to be a jerk to you, it's just that. So then what would you do to the fear of the fear of rejection? Like, how would you address that fear?
0:22:16 - Sarah Flores
Yeah, so those two are really related. And to me the fear of rejection points to inner child healing and that the more that you can heal your inner child and embrace your wholeness and let all the parts of you know that they are loved and they are safe, the less power the fear of rejection from others has over you. And it's the same with the fear of judgment. Right, it's like people may still judge, but there's no place for that judgment to land, because when you are judging yourself, it's like it creates this kind of hole. You know, it's like this hole where there's some, there's room for someone else's knife to get in and just twist around and make you feel like shit, because there's a part of you that's real, that's kind of worried that they're right.
0:23:13 - Betsy Jordyn
Right.
0:23:14 - Sarah Flores
Like are they right that I have I have, I don't deserve to speak up. Are they right that my story is illegitimate or nobody will care? So when you can really heal inside, go on your healing journey, embrace your wholeness, these things from the outside just have so little hold on you because it's like there's no place to land. You kind of get more of a waterproof cover, and that doesn't mean you're never going to feel hurt or you're never going to feel rejected, but you have so much more resilience to deal with it.
And it's not a guarantee, but quite often people don't feel like they have the right to criticize you or mess with you when you show up as really more whole and more embodied. I experienced this with a family member in my life who used to criticize me so much and that fear of criticism was just like oh so strong. And the more that I center myself in knowing my worth and the more that I embrace my wholeness, this person really hardly ever goes at me anymore. I receive so few criticisms anymore and he criticizes other people and that's still painful, but not me. So it doesn't mean you'll never experience these things. But first of all, you have more resilience and they become less frequent.
0:24:46 - Betsy Jordyn
So it sounds like if I were going to start, I'm starting to see kind of like the steps, you know, the Sarah steps to finding your authentic finding and activating your authentic voice. You know, that's what I'm kind of looking at it, and it feels like phase one is really catch a vision for more, finding your authentic voice, you know, and bringing more of yourself to the table. You know, I think step two is to decide, within the four quadrants around, repressed and empowered, you know, silence, what was the silence? Or choice, or you know, like making, making choice within there. So that seems to be like the step.
The step two, then three, is you really have to deal with the four visibility fears, which has to do with being ignored, judge, being judged, being criticized, and I forgot the fourth one. There was a fourth one. What's the fourth one? Rejection, fear, rejection. So these are like the four. So, like, once you get that part, it seems like now, now you're ready to play with whatever it is that you want to communicate, you could start really playing with the message. It seems like we're kind of like moving into. I think what you said in the book is something about like channels. You know, really, at that point you're ready to open up your channels for divine inspiration is, I think, one of the things that people get out of your book. What is? Is that accurate as the next phase, or am I? Am I kind of thinking about this correctly?
0:26:12 - Sarah Flores
Yeah, I love how you are really able to distill things down. So I would say that it's kind of a fluid and circular journey. So there are times when you can feel like, yes, I am ready to share my authentic voice and you put yourself out there and afterwards you kind of feel like, oh, that was kind of scary and all of my fears of being ignored came up or whatever it might be. So it's not like you have to go after the wounds and like dig in consciously, they'll come up. You are committed to your expansion, just like you were about to say. As you say, you're stepping into next level thought leadership and writing a book, They'll come up If you're going for developing, they're just going to happen Exactly they will emerge asking to be healed.
0:27:12 - Betsy Jordyn
And then they'll come up to the table and they show up. Yes, it seems like there's some work around these types of things, like maybe just enough to kind of get those parts engaged with you on the journey. And then I assume that that must have something to do with the opening of the channels for divine inspiration as the next phase.
You get them on. What else, would you say, opens up the channels? When you talk about divine inspiration, it's sort of like Elizabeth Gilbert and her Big Magic, where she talks about ideas being these energetic forms looking for human collaborators to make a manifest. And you're just listening for those ideas like, oh, which one wants me to make it manifest? Or like what do you mean by this?
0:28:00 - Sarah Flores
Yeah, that's a really important question. So I love the book Big Magic. I feel like the way Elizabeth Gilbert lays it out is they're quite personified. They're like little people who kind of are whispering to you. I don't know if I've ever felt it quite that specific, but I know the feeling in my heart and in my hand and in my body when it's like, oh, this wants to be written down, this wants to be spoken right now, or this wants to be sung, or this video wants to be made. So the channel for divine inspiration, really it's just that inspiration is just within you. And to me it's like these ideas are like seeds, that they're just waiting for the conditions to be safe enough, for the timing to be right for you to create a little bit of time and space so that you can sit down and write them, or create the talk, or create the new offering, whatever it is that you, that you feel called to do. So I think that probably every person experiences them a little differently, but to me, yes, they are like seeds and it's just a part of me that is meant to be brought into the world of form.
And when I speak about the channel, I'm really thinking about the physical channel of your throat because, well, I work with the voice. Obviously, the throat chakra if you're familiar with chakras in the yogic system is actually the place of manifestation, of bringing things into the world of form. So you have this empty space, you take in a breath which is really borrowed energy, as part of our symbiotic relationship with the physical world, that we can just take in this lovely breath and then our brain sends a signal to our vocal cords to vibrate as the air comes out and we are taking the intangible, we're taking what you can't see or hear the air and we are giving it a form that we can understand. So the channel, when it's open, it's like it's relaxed, you feel trusting. Maybe it's going to take me a second to know what I'm going to say next, and that's okay, because you trust that it's going to come through and you can express exactly what you're meant to express in an impactful way that's in service to those who are meant to receive your message.
0:30:45 - Betsy Jordyn
That's interesting, like as you're describing the experience, like I'm picturing, like there's times like I knew one on when I was like leading work sessions, like I would get that heart feeling. It's like you must speak, you must speak, you know. And then it's like, okay, I know nobody's going to like this one, but it's like I have no choice. That's coming from here over. But what you're talking about is like like I'm experiencing something and it's like I can, I could feel it, but it's not always in that I got to do.
This is just more like it just needs to come out, it needs to create form and I love that because that's like what I, you know, like on my world, you know, like you're, I'm more the written word and it's like I do believe in the power of like the word, like word creates form. When you say something you know you're making, making that type of impact, but like opening yourself up to hearing that, like how do you, you know, is it still just continuing to work on some of those other issues that would block it? Or like, what else would you recommend from a tactical action that somebody could take? You know, is it like the automatic writing, you know, in the morning journals, like in the artist way or what would you recommend? That kind of hones, that, that's that flow without like stepping on the hose.
0:31:57 - Sarah Flores
Yes, that's a great metaphor I'm stepping on the hose. So morning pages writing stream of consciousness is great for opening the channel from idea to your hand right and for a lot of people. Like the first draft of my book I wrote all by hand because that channel is more open than it is for typing. For me it's just easier that way. And if you want to open the channel for speaking, you can similarly do a practice of improvisation.
So I teach a practice called open channel breathing and you breathe with your diaphragm. Of course you're always breathing with your diaphragm is this big dome shaped muscle at the base, kind of below your ribs, is like an upside down bowl, and diaphragm is what actuates the breath. It's what makes the breath happen. It's the muscle that moves downward a little bit or a lot, depending on how deeply you're breathing, and then it creates a vacuum in the air and just rushes in. So I teach a practice of focusing on breathing in as receiving, because you're receiving nourishment and then sending out your words with an intention and that I default to teaching and when my life is, send it out as love. So you breathe in nourishment and then you send it out as love.
And by starting with this practice. Then you can do a little improvisation. And what I really find fun to do with clients and they have had great results at opening their voice is to get a little weird and wacky when you're improvising with your sounds. So be sure you're in a place where you don't mind if there's nobody around who's gonna hear you, and then you just make some ah, whoa, whoa, some wacky sounds and just let whatever wants to come through be expressed Like there are no holds barred. As long as it's not physically hurting you, you can be as weird as you want, so okay.
0:34:09 - Betsy Jordyn
So you're taking me back in time many, many years ago when my kids were young and they were all into high school musical and there were those characters who always did those like vocal warm-ups. Where they did, you know I don't even remember like Sharpe and that other guy you know, like in Ryan. They did all of those weird vocal warm-ups. Is that what you're talking about? Is something similar like to what a singer might do to warm up their voice, or is it more of a you know, just of a practice, or is it sort of like a mindful version of I'm not just warming up my voice, but I'm kind of loosening myself up into this whole experience?
0:34:45 - Sarah Flores
Yeah. So I have not seen that movie, but now I'm thinking maybe I should because I want to find out what you're talking about. So this is different than singer's warm-ups, what I teach. It's a practice that I go through in the book that I take readers through, and it is called Explaying with Instinctual Sound. So while singing, warm-ups are pretty structured like ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, like there's a predictable pitch. I could play it on the piano with you.
Playing with instinctual sound is much more like starting at your belly and maybe you just feel like going huh. Maybe when you start at your belly, you feel like going ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Maybe you feel like howling or growling. It's a practice of releasing the inhibitions and those voices that say you can't do that. That's weird. People are gonna judge you and just saying, if I had the safety and the permission to just use my voice in any way, what would I wanna do? Would I just wanna, um, hmm, would I wanna do something crazy and woo-hoo. You know there's no right or wrong. So I think of it as a specific mindful practice that helps us work with releasing judgments toward our voice and what we express.
0:36:19 - Betsy Jordyn
So for somebody who might be listening, they're gonna be like, oh my gosh, it's like so out of my comfort zone.
0:36:24 - Sarah Flores
Yes.
0:36:25 - Betsy Jordyn
Like I just, you know, but would you say doing something like this, you know, could help you, like, calm your jitters when you're getting ready to take a stage and give a talk, you know, and would it help, could it help you with, you know, sort of your stage presence and your vocal quality by doing something like that to get you to that place where it's like, okay, I'm back in my body and I'm grounded and, you know, and I could play with the different sounds that my voice might make while I'm on this stage.
0:36:55 - Sarah Flores
Yes. So this is a great point that you bring up, because it speaks to finding what's doable for you. So it's true, for many people, the idea of making unconventional vocal sounds is very far outside of the comfort zone, so much so that it might tip into overwhelm, and we don't want that right? Maybe that just listening to me do it, listening to me make unconventional sounds, opens something up like wow, people can do that publicly and be okay with it. So, in terms of calming nerves before public speaking and this is so important because so many of us deal with this right the nerves the first thing to do is to understand that it's normal, because when you are getting in front of people or going to record an interview or speaking publicly in any way, this represents activation for your nervous system. So activation is like climbing a hill your heart beats a little faster, there's anticipation, you're anticipating the view and what may happen. And anytime you have activation, it can be experienced as positive, like I'm riding a roller coaster and we're going up the part just before, right, so that can be experienced as positive. Or it can be experienced as negative, like oh my God, I'm gonna die, I can't do this. My hands are climbing up right Like that kind of negative loop. So this is out there. A lot, a lot of people teach this that you can reframe that nervousness as excitement because physiologically they're almost the same. So it's normal that you're going to experience some activation, a bit of high-intensity rate, a little bit of adrenaline. If you don't experience any activation, it could mean that you don't care, or it could mean that you've just done this so many times, like you've run this meeting so many times, that you don't experience any kind of nervousness ahead of time. So the first is the reframe. It can be positive to feel that nervousness and that it's normal. It's just your body's physiological response. The second thing for calming is to find a practice that works for you in preparation. So this may be something like playing with instinctual sound. Although you know playing with instinctual sound and making the wacky sounds I recommend doing like in a safe place, behind closed doors, maybe not in a green room.
Diaphomatic breathing is one of the top strategies that I teach a lot of strategies to my clients before they get on stage and that's one of the most popular ones among people. So doing that deep breathing, counting your breaths maybe counting to 10, feeling your abdomen go in and out. Another strategy that works for some people is to do visualization ahead of time. So you imagine yourself walking onto the stage or walking to the front of the room and feeling confident and you imagine all the details of your speech, your presentation, your pitch going well. And they've found that this does help because what you're doing is you're creating that positive anticipation right, expecting it to go well.
Another strategy that you can do if you're starting to get that tunnel vision, like from a lot of nervousness, you can do a practice called orienting, and this is a practice that's really calming to the nervous system. So you just look around the room, you slowly look at different places. I'm looking at the curtain, I'm looking at the photo. Hmm, I'm noticing the mirror again. A similar way. Where I'm doing it's calming because you are actually activating the neck muscles and this process is a thing that we do after we've experienced threat, if we don't. So I should back up a little bit here that this is a tool that's used in trauma healing to help people ground. So so what you do is it's like, let's say, you just ran from a lion, you get someplace like a cave, and then you like, look around, make sure I'm safe. Okay, did I come in a cave with bears, you know?
0:41:26 - Betsy Jordyn
So it's just like I noticed, you know, like I noticed five things. I hear, yes, four things. I smell.
0:41:33 - Sarah Flores
Yeah, that's similar to I like that one. So. So, orienting, looking around, can help if you're getting that kind of tunnel vision you're feeling like you can't get out of loops in your head and things like that. So finding a practice and there are, you know, more available to that works for you. That acts as a resource, something that helps you feel safe and stable, even as you're experiencing this activation and excitement right, we're calling it excitement, not nervousness that becomes like the roots of a tree and, yes, you're going to feel some stuff, that's like the branches blowing in the wind, but you're going to be rooted because you know you can count on yourself.
0:42:16 - Betsy Jordyn
Mm. Hmm, that's really interesting. I like all these practices because I think that they're like really good warm ups to get you into a place of like. I think, ultimately, what you want to be at before you go out on a stage anywhere is I want to be grounded and connected to myself, and I'm connected to my body, you know, and I'm in myself. So I'm going to breathe, I'm going to ground myself, see where I'm am.
One of the things that really helped me when I was first doing videos was on, you know, when it was just the the, the guy who was directing me on the other side. He would always say it's like okay, I want to see passion. Passion and enthusiasm was the joke, and I know in his little direction. But what really helped is he would tell me to act out my words, you know.
So use like don't just say my words, connect to my words. So if I say there's three reasons why this is going to be really beneficial to you, Like I'm kind of have no affect and I'm not connected and I'm worried too much about my presentation and I'm not really connected to my message, rather than what he would say to do is like there are three things that I really want you to know, that are going to be really helpful to you. You know and you know, and then it's like number one, the first thing you need to know. You know, like where you talk with your hands and you animate, like you breathe life into your words rather than just say words.
0:43:38 - Sarah Flores
Yes, oh, I love that. I don't know.
0:43:40 - Betsy Jordyn
I don't know if that's like a tip that you would add, if that would be a good tip from your standpoint, and is there anything you would add? You know, and other tips for people who are speaking. You know, and a lot of consultants or coaches are speaking in front of a lot of high ego executives who are either in a workshop and a facilitated session or in the as a key notar, and there's a lot of people who you know are like more of those judgmental. You know, because I have a lot of high standards of what what it's like. Any other tips like that would you help them with?
0:44:10 - Sarah Flores
Yes. So an important piece and this goes right along with what you're saying is to really focus on what you're here to communicate. What is the message and why is it important that these people receive the message? Because when you focus on the message, you remember it's not about you. When you're speaking, it's not about me, because, well, maybe if I'm speaking in the mirror and I'm saying affirmations or something, it's about me, right?
0:44:45 - Betsy Jordyn
You're good enough. You're smart enough.
0:44:47 - Sarah Flores
Others right. The reason I'm speaking is not because I like to hear my own voice I could do that on my own right. The reason I'm speaking is I feel passionate about a message that can help people, that can support people right? So, focusing on that message, what is the feeling you wish to communicate? What is the important takeaway, or the important takeaways that you want people to have? That's one thing that can help you get out of your head.
0:45:20 - Betsy Jordyn
The other one I would probably add in there too is get someone in the audience who's a friendly face, that like when you feel less grounded. Like I could visualize one of my friends would always come to my speeches and he would just sit there and he would give me like the nods and it's like okay, you know, like I would know, and he'd give me a look if I needed, you know, if I knew I need to wrap up. But having that friendly face always really helps, I think as well.
0:45:45 - Sarah Flores
Yes, that is a great idea to bring support with you if you are having some kind of you know, live speech, something like that. And and remember people's facial expressions when you are on stage, most of the time they're not about you. Sometimes you can tell like, oh, people are bored, I need to vary my tone, I need to bring in more passion and energy or something like that. But very often people will have, you know, the, the resting face that just looks kind of dissatisfied. And I have had people in the audience when I'm speaking who look like they hate me and then afterwards they come up and tell me how much they appreciated it and how they related to one certain point, you know. So if I focus on the fact that, like this person is shooting me down, that's not actually the case. That's just what they look like when they're concentrating.
0:46:45 - Betsy Jordyn
Yeah, it's really go for the audience of one, not the audience of many. One person walks away. You know with value from it just one person and not reading to make up stories about where everyone is at.
0:46:58 - Sarah Flores
Yeah.
0:46:58 - Betsy Jordyn
Yeah. So I have a question, though I got to ask you before we wrap up this interview, because it was intriguing to me is that you had mentioned one of the promises that your readers will get is something from your book is about setting effective boundaries, and I was very curious like what does setting effective boundaries? What does that have to do with being able to find your voice and express your voice, especially authentic voice? What does boundaries have to do with it?
0:47:24 - Sarah Flores
Yes, so the boundaries are really foundational. So I'm glad that you're bringing this up. Going back to what we've spoken about, things like criticism, when you have strong boundaries in place, such as I'm not going to engage in conversation with someone who is bringing me mean spirited criticism you create more safety to be able to speak up. When the thing with boundaries is, it comes from being able to identify your needs, knowing that your needs matter. They matter enough for you to speak up. So setting the boundaries is kind of a foundational practice in your life so that you can create enough solidity in yourself and of confidence in yourself in the fact that your needs matter, that you have a right to speak up, that your voice is needed. Right, because if a part of you feels like, oh, I don't really know if anybody needs to hear my message, I don't know if my voice is needed, that goes back to a fundamental feeling like your needs don't matter or you do not matter in some way.
And boundaries, setting boundaries in your personal relationships, in your professional life, it's a practice of saying my needs matter, so do my clients, so do my partners, so do my friends' needs matter and clear communication of what I need in order to feel safe. That's also respectful to what the other person needs. It gives you the confidence really to start spreading your message in a bigger way. It's like if you don't have the boundaries in place, there may be a part that ends up kind of feeling left behind. It's like why are you moving forward, trying to help so many people by sharing a message, if you don't even like help yourself, like if you don't even spend enough time making me feel safe? So when I say me now I'm speaking from you know young kind of inner child part or some part that feels like my needs just get squashed all the time.
0:49:55 - Betsy Jordyn
So it's like it's really respecting your own space and your own boundaries, of like I get to create safety and I don't have to listen to the critics.
I think this is the Bernay Brown type of stuff where she talks about, you know, not listening to the critics who aren't actually in the arena with you, and that people have to earn a right to hear your story.
You know, and if they tell you, if you tell your story and if you get a hater back, then you set up boundaries where it's like I don't need to listen to that feedback, it's not useful, it's not helpful. She talks a lot about people giving criticism about her weight, you know, and that's like that's the kind of stuff like you even get other people to read those critiques because you don't need to see them and you don't need to address them. They're not valid, you know. But she did say it was valid when she talked a lot about shame and vulnerability at the beginning and she was really wasn't addressing men in the same level. You know that was beneficial feedback versus the haters. So it's like it's really respecting your own space, that what I have to say matters and that I deserve to be talked to with respect and I'm not going to settle for anything else.
0:51:02 - Sarah Flores
Yes, absolutely, and that teaching that she brings about the arena. I remember hearing that in, probably in her second Ted talk, and now that you mentioned it I'm thinking, wow, this was very foundational for me to hear many years ago. You know that you don't need to take feedback from people who are not in the arena, who are making the courageous choices, who are not putting themselves out there, who are not doing the work to heal their own self judgments. It's like that's just kind of noise, it's not, it's not helpful, it's not going to further your development.
0:51:43 - Betsy Jordyn
It seems like the main thing about finding your voice. If I really distill everything that we talked down is beginning with believing that my voice matters and what I have to say matters, and if I really believe this, if I really believe that what I have to say is is beneficial matters, my voice matters, everything else then you can work through from there. But until you believe that your voice matters, until you believe that what you have to say, what you want to do, until you believe it matters, nobody else will.
0:52:13 - Sarah Flores
Yes. So that is such an important point that you brought it down to. It all comes down to knowing that your voice matters. And knowing that your voice matters Listen, it already does whether or not you feel worthy inside at this moment. You already are worthy. That is already inside of you, and the part that knows your voice matters is already inside of you. So you may have moments of doubting yourself. Wow, that's because we're human, okay, but we want to really strengthen that sense. Okay, even if I can't feel it right now, I know somewhere inside of me there is a part that knows I am worthy, my perspective is valid, my story is valid and my voice matters in the world.
0:53:08 - Betsy Jordyn
Yes, yes, I'm giving you the house that's so good, so good, oh my gosh. Yes, and again, just to bring it home and reinforce it.
0:53:21 - Sarah Flores
Even if you have doubts, there's a part of you that knows my voice matters.
0:53:29 - Betsy Jordyn
One more time for those in the back seats. You know I'm in the back of the house.
0:53:35 - Sarah Flores
I will speak it to you now. If any of you are feeling like, oh, there's a part of me that doubts this, or feels like this is just too out there and it's not that it's not relevant, I want you to hear yes, you, that your voice matters. Your voice is needed in the world, and your wisdom and your presence is needed in the world.
0:54:05 - Betsy Jordyn
So where can people get your book, tell us about your book, where can they find?
0:54:09 - Sarah Flores
it yes, so the book is called Unleash your Goddess Voice.
0:54:14 - Betsy Jordyn
Now what if the dudes are like wait a minute, the dudes are listening.
0:54:19 - Sarah Flores
Yes, and I will say that your voice matters too, and this book is specifically written for the woman in your life.
0:54:28 - Betsy Jordyn
So you can get the book for her, but there's probably transferable principles too, I would imagine.
0:54:34 - Sarah Flores
Yes absolutely absolutely so. As I was alluding to, I did write the book specifically addressing the unique challenges that women face with bringing their voice into the world.
There are absolutely universal themes. If you identify as a different gender, you are most welcome to read the book and that is clear in the introduction also. However, you can expect that it will be addressed to the female perspective. So the book is called Unleash your Goddess Voice, and we love men and you can get it. You can find links to it at all your favorite bookstores. If you go to books2readcom, so that's books, and then the number two, readcom, it's called Unleash your Goddess Voice, so it's G-O-D-D-E-S-S-V-O-I-C-E, and that will give you all the links to the ebook and the paperback in many, many online retailers. You can also visit me and find info for the book at SarahGitacom. My name is Spelt Unusually it's S-A-R-A-G-I-I-T-Acom, so two I's. It's not a typo, it's actually my name and I thank you all for being on the journey of strengthening your voice and opening your curiosity to this topic.
0:55:58 - Betsy Jordyn
So is there anything else, though, that you would want to share about finding your voice as a consultant, coach, speaker, thought leader? And I'm just not asking you the right question.
0:56:10 - Sarah Flores
Hmm. So I think a really important thread for coaches and consultants and speakers is that often, when we don't want to narrow down our focus, it is actually linked to one of these visibility wounds that we fear will be rejected or ignored or criticized if we just focus on a specific audience or just focus on a specific problem. That's rooted in people pleasing. People pleasing is actually a nervous system response, it's not cognitive, so the medicine is actually helping yourself feel safer. So if you are someone who is like, oh, I need someone like Betsy who can help me clarify my message, but I'm just not ready and oh, I just can't do it because my work is for everybody, that actually points to needing to create the visceral sense of safety in your body so that you know that you can still be worthy, even if you're not for everybody and even if not everybody likes you.
0:57:23 - Betsy Jordyn
That's a hard one, yeah, and that is the hardest part of the brand building process that I take my clients through is really identifying into the client and the person you know, because it's like, well, I want to help everybody and some of it's a people pleasing like I want to. I don't want to leave anybody out and say, but you could actually serve the right people better because you really aren't the right fit for everyone and everyone's not the right fit for you.
You know, and if you're really going to make the impact. It's going to be with the right people in the right way. But that is a challenge and you do have to work through the visibility fears. And then the other thing I work with my clients through is also the money fears, the imposter syndrome, you know, and all those other things that are required, you know, to bring your business to life like. There's all of that other stuff, which is why I want to write the book on the heroic journey of the mid career entrepreneur and that's why I'm working on it right now.
And I'm really impressed that we're on this bigger journey and I love, I love how you've elevated even that perspective, because taking this bigger stage is an opportunity to heal yourself at a deeper level. You know, taking a step out and trying to. You know, share your ideas with the world is another way that you can actually ignite greater healing within your own self and your own soul. So I love the fact that you brought that in. So, as we wrap up, I highly recommend Sarah's book and Sarah as a coach, great at helping people like us who want to take on those bigger opportunities and really get that confidence. So definitely encourage you from that standpoint. If you need help on your brand building stuff, you all know where to find me. Go find me at Betsy Jordancom and remember I'm Betsy Jordan with a Y, not an A. There's another Betsy Jordan out there who gets all my emails and all of that other stuff. So it's Betsy Jordan with a Y.
And if you want to hear more about finding your voice and forging your own path as a consultant or coach and just finding success in your own terms, be sure to hit subscribe wherever you're listening. So if you're listening to this on the podcast, definitely wherever you are hit subscribe. If you're on YouTube, you know, make sure you get that subscribe button as well. So thank you so much, so much for being on the show. I got so much from our conversation and I'm really grateful to you, sarah, and I'm grateful to all of you who have tuned in and until next time, thanks for listening. Thank you for tuning in. If today's episode lit a fire in you, please rate and review. Enough already on Apple podcasts or subscribe wherever you listen. And if you're looking for your next step, visit me on my website at Betsy Jordancom and it's Betsy Jordan with a Y and you'll learn all about our end to end services that are custom designed to accelerate your success. Don't wait Start today.
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